A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
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It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Owl Sanctuary
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.