I really had high hopes for this year though
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A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”