One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
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(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.