I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
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Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*