a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
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Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
“Why you watching this shit?”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.