Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.