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My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Storm Tropical Storm
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan