This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
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[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
japanese corn
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society