me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
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as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt