*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
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me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
True
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields