My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
You Might Also Like
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.