doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
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I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.