Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
socratic questions
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?