There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
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Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.