I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
You Might Also Like
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Seems a bit forward
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what