My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
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[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
And now we wait
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.