a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
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I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
can’t catch a break
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”