the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
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Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Namaste
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.