A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
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Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I’M CRYINGGG
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you