A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
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No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw