Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
WHO DID THIS?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.