If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
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“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Wednesday
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
me and the Superbowl rn
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
dam girl
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.