[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
God, I love Scotland
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip