Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I self medicate, therefore you live.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other