“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
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“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.