When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
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Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Ugh
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Hmmmmm
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled