I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
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I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Lmao
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
🙂🙃🥹
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so