The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Social distancing in Australia:
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
#oldknees
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight