Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning