i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
You Might Also Like
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.