i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
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-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*