Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
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Whoa 😂
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.