[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
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How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
That was easy.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
iPhone X
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.