“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
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I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅