COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
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If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…