If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
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My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan