Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
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[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
“you recording!?”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
A Short Story.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus