I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
inside you are two wolves
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Meat Cute
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”