Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
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You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little