[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
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The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no