my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
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[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.