Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
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Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
yes… yes…
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones