The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
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“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?