Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
You Might Also Like
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Ferrari squats
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I’m being attacked 😭
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight