He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
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If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia