What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
You Might Also Like
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*