Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
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Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole