Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
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If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Don’t we all.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale