Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
You Might Also Like
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living