“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
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If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.